FATTY

First Internet date I’m meeting him for dinner

But do I have the wardrobe to appear a little thinner?

I’m advertised as full figured

But really I couldn’t be much bigger

I gaze at my reflection and see a fat pig

How did I become so enormous and big?

When I glance in the mirror it makes me sick

Two fingers down my throat is my dietary trick

My pants are splitting and tugging tight

Must start a new diet but not tonight

Tighten my belt to seem a little leaner

Wear my XXL blouse to appear a touch sleeker

A handful of meth and a cup of cathartics

I’ll chase it down with a bottle of diuretics

Pick the wax from my ears and clip my nails

Every ounce counts off the head and the tails

I’ve tried all the diets and have lost tons of weight

But snacking my way back up the scale was always my fate

Slim Fast, Med Fast, and GOLO, I’ve tried them all

Trim Life, Slim life on my way to the fatso ball

Optifast, Trim Fast, non-fat meal

Dropping 10 lbs. a week is no big deal

Starvation, fat burners I was thin as a rail

Shedding half my weight is the Holy Grail

Count calories, count points, and count sweets

On Halloween just tricks but no chocolate treats

High fat, low fat, big fat, small fat

See-food diet and I’m as blind as a bat

Weight Watchers, calorie counters, protein shakes galore

Moderation, fat girl nation, I’m a pitiful boar

Anorexia-bulimia is the best cure

But gastric by-pass is the main allure

Frito, keto, tofu, give me more

Starving and desperate eat scraps off the floor

Stuff my pockets with M & M’s

I’m an obese jeweler and those are my gems

Pound down a double cheese just before dinner

Suck in my gut to attempt to look trimmer

Urinate, defecate and pick my nose

Clean out the snot and the jam between my toes

Work out forever and sweat like a swine

Melt off the blubber to lose just a dime

Stand very gently on the digital scale

I gained a pound another day another fail

My smart phone rings it’s time for dinner

I’d answer the damn thing if I were 50 lbs thinner

I’m a hungry dog, just throw me a bone

It’s just another lonely night to binge alone

Hot dogs, pizza, mac and cheese

Stuff my gut until I seize

Remorse, and self hate is what I suffer

I have no waist I’m a ball of blubber

Look at my garbage dump it’s a little scary

It’s time to inhale my friends Ben and Jerry