LOCKED IN

“Fuck me," the voice commanded, before her primitive moan.

"Oh Baby," said a young man, "You're the best I've ever known."

The voices emanated from my right.

So close I could touch them, but completely out of sight.

"Let's get out of here," the woman said

"Don't worry," he said, "He's as good as dead."

"What's wrong with him," she asked. "Is he alive?"

"No. He's locked in. He'll never survive."

Were they referring to me?

Am I imprisoned without a key?

I can hear and I can see, but I can't move either eye.

I can't move my arms, legs, hands, or mouth no matter how hard I try.

I feel nothing. I can't speak. Do I exist?

Or have I joined the most current obituary list?

I must be alive because I can think.

But beyond that, I can't even blink.

Or maybe this is the birth of my death.

Born with vision and thoughts, but no breath.

I have no memory. No past. No name or age.

I am a book with no title, without words on a page.

"Why is he locked in?"

"He's in a coma, trapped inside his skin."

"A beating heart with open eyes."

"No thoughts, no mind until he dies."

"A vegetable, taking up space."

"A warm cadaver, a terminal case."

Now in my view. They stared at me.

A young doctor, a pretty nurse. That much I could see.

With disgust and pity he dismissively said.

“Helpless and hopeless. He should be dead.”

“A pumping heart without a brain.

That's not life. That's insane.”

They think I am deaf, dumb and blind.

They have no idea that I have a mind.

A disgusting freak at the county fair.

A circus side show for those to stare.

A man arrived before he went.

Exquisite perfume without a scent.

Never here but forever there.

A Good Year flat without a spare.

Unable to creep or even crawl.

I have the eyes of a child’s doll.

Eyes and ears, but no voice to call.

A proverbial fly stuck on a wall.

“How long can he live? He gives me the creeps.”

“It's up to his heart. As long as it beats.”

To my left the sounds of a mechanical pump.

Ventilated tissue. I'm a living lump.

Trapped in my body. Stuck in Hell.

Dead end, but infinite, a bottomless well.

The couple had sex as if I were a stone.

Leaving their scent. Then left me alone.

My peripheral vision caught a sliver of sunlight.

A hospital room, asylum white.

This is a puzzle I must piece together.

Kept alive by a machine and its tether.

Comatose and visual, completely paralyzed.

Incarcerated thoughts, forever penalized.

Footsteps. Good. People are approaching.

A group of doctors laughing and joking.

Crisp white coats staring down at me.

“His eyes are open. Can he see?"

“No. He's in a coma. Locked in. Eternal sleep.

A flat EEG. No spikes or blips. Not even a beep.”

“Our devoted nurses care for him.

Not a sore or rash on his body or limb.”

“Attempted suicide. His choice a drug.

To avoid the mess of a 38 slug.”

“His tomb was to be his girlfriend's bed.

Later, she discovered him almost dead.”

“On the anniversary of his wedding. The twenty-fifth year.

A brilliant lawyer, but a tarnished career.”

They prodded and poked my eyes and ears.

Powerless and vulnerable. The worst of my fears.

A familiar smell approaching. An attractive woman A blouse with lace.

She looked sad. Tears dripping from her interesting face.

“I wish you could hear me,” she said.

“My life would be better if you were dead.”

“Everything has to be your way. Even in death.

Fucking your secretary until your last breath.”

To her I'm known. To me a stranger.

She was bitter and angry with a touch of danger.

My life revealed by a woman unknown.

Pleasantries aside. She was here to bemoan.

Give me a clue. At least my name.

She's playing for keeps if this is a game.

Look I'm alive. I can hear. Don't be mad.

I tried to blink with all the will that I had.

“I'm the only one who thinks you'll walk out of here.

When it comes to chutzpah you have no peer.”

“I'm sure you'll figure a way out of this mess.

For you life was always just a game of chess.”

''Go when it's green and go went it's red.

Always stay at least two moves ahead.”

“And by the way, I found the receipt from the bracelet you bought her.

For God’s sake you slept with a girl who could have been your daughter.”

“For the first time you’re speechless, excuse the pun.

You're lucky I'm not packing a loaded gun.”

“Since you're not officially dead, there's no life insurance money.

A legal joke. You probably think it's sardonic and funny.”

“So as long as you live I get zero.

Ironic. Wishing you were dead. You were my hero.”

“In spite of that, I borrowed some money.

To buy you a drug. I know it seems funny.”

“If it works you'll recover and continue your life.

And I'll continue mine but not as your wife.”

“Twenty-five years from our wedding day.

A tragic end. Nothing left to say.”

Before leaving she kissed my forehead.

"We were so happy the day we were wed.”

• • •

"Good Morning Sam, did you have a nice sleep?"

No. I was awake all night counting sheep.

“Nice job. A thousand cc's in your urine bag.

Sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to be a nag.”

“Did you poop yet today?

Good boy. That's a whopper I'd say.”

“Oh my God it's all over the place.

Don't worry. When I'm finished there won't be a trace.”

“Let's check the feeding tube, your line and the trach.

Why, you're out of food for pete's sake”

“You're starting to lose your muscle tone.

You don't want to be all skin and bone.”

The nurse looked into my eyes as if she knew.

I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm screaming at you.

“Remember, Sam. This is the big day.

The drug will work. I hope and pray."

Don't go Please Stay with me.

I can hear you I can see.

Who am I? What Am I doing here?

Tell me it's a joke. That I have nothing to fear.

Can you hear me goddamnit? I'm screaming at you.

"Oh. Guess who’s here. Your daughter Sue."

She was twenty-five at least.

She looked at me as if I were a beast.

She was thin and wasted, and appeared quite ill.

Toxic eyes, she wanted to kill.

“My therapist told me to confront you.

Coma or not you should know what's true.”

“You were never a Dad. You were never home.

Even on my birthdays you played golf alone.”

“Your only priority was indulging yourself

surrounded by girls who loved your wealth.”

“You never even read me a nursery rhyme.

Your only love was your tee off time.”

“I begged and pleaded to be by your side.

You promised. I waited. You always lied.”

“You looked at the world but never at me.

Your eyes always open. But unable to see.”

“You quickly discarded me after my rape.

You wouldn't prosecute. Too much red tape.”

“I want you to know the pitiful truth.

I am below trash, I am sick and uncouth.”

“I am a whore. I fuck for coke.

I have HIV. It's not a joke.”

“I'm a homeless and hopeless piece of shit.

The gutter's my home. I live on spit.”

“The sum of my parts is less than whole.

If I were a doughnut, I'd be the hole.”

“So now you know the ugly side.

Like you, daddy, I'll take death for a ride.”

This cruel game has just begun.

And now I know it can't be won.

My life played back by the ones I loved.

Reviewed by the jury and the judge above.

I'll wilt in this hell and listen forever.

To my sins replayed. God is too clever.

• • •

Now by my side three men, and a priest.

A wake, open casket. I am the deceased.

They're voicing resentments all at one time.

Like the wind against an unpleasant chime.

Pointing their fingers and spewing disgust.

Faces engorged with the color of rust.

“You bastard, you cheat, go rot in hell.

You're a fake, you're nothing, an empty shell.”

“I wish you could hear me you piece of crap.

I respected you, I was such a sap.”

“You have no conscience. You have no guts.

You hide behind your groupies and sluts.”

“Like pieces of clay, we were what you shaped.

You skimmed off the top until we were raped.”

“I had a business, now it's a bust.

I gave you my savings, all of my trust.”

“There are no words that describe my hurt.

I will breathe fresh air when you're buried in dirt.”

“My dear Sam, I am father Doyle.

Throughout your sins I have always been loyal.”

“I am here today to perform a last rite.

But I can't in good conscience because of that night.”

“I told you a secret you said you would keep.

Cut by betrayal, and wounded too deep.”

“There are those who cannot be saved.

For you it's too late, you're much too depraved.”

“You burned every bridge you marched across.

Your coma is like being nailed to a cross.”

"I cannot forgive, although a man of a cloth.

You're a liar, a cheat, a bloodsucking sloth.”

“If you could talk I'm sure you would laugh.

You’ll probably be saved by the medical staff.”

“I'm sorry Sam, this is my farewell good-by.

It does not matter if you live or die.”

• • •

If I am who they say, I deserve to die.

But maybe they’re wrong, maybe they lie.

How do I know they are telling the truth?

This could be virtual or a miraculous spoof.

If I live I could redeem my life.

I would give not take in times of strife.

I would love not hate.

I could change my fate.

I would service the ones I have hurt.

And cleanse the world of its dirt.

Dying ashamed is the meaning of hell.

Ashamed of living is life in a cell.

Guilty or innocent, swim or sink.

I have no choice, it's whatever they think.

Guilty your honor condemn me to death.

Into a black hole, no vision no breath.

• • •

"That is Sam Percy the criminal attorney.

He'd defend the devil for dirty money.”

“Now he's locked in a coma forever and ever.

We've got to do something. It's now or never.”

“His lungs are fibrosed and his liver is mush.

From years of smoking and being a lush.”

“His bones and teeth rot before our eyes.

There'll be nothing left by the time he dies.”

“He has one last chance before the end.

An experimental drug is his only friend.”

“The drug will awaken a mouse or a rat.

Drugged into coma and brain waves flat.”

“There's a fifty-fifty chance Sam could live a normal life.

We decided to try this at the request of his wife.”

“The name of the drug is meta-4.

Cultured from sharks off the Australian shore.”

“It's ironic this lawyer may be saved by sharks.

The chemical is derived from their frigid hearts.”

“We have no favorites, we treat patients the same.

This man is a scoundrel, but we cast no blame.”

“I wonder what he'd choose if he had a voice.

A chance to live would be an obvious choice.”

“But if the drug fails we will pull the plug.

Ripping him from under the allegorical rug.”

“Give him the meta-4 and see how it goes.

To live or die however the wind blows.”

“If it works he'll awake in exactly one minute.

If not, certain death forever and infinite.”

“A clock ticks no matter what is at stake.

His time is up. Is the patient awake?”

“If the answer is no. We must move on.

Pull the plug. There's no right, there’s no wrong.”

Don't pull the plug I want life.

I'll stay in the coma talk to my wife.

I can think, and see, I'm alive.

I'm not yet dead. Let me survive.

I beg of you. Don't let me die.

Look in my eyes. Look at me cry.

Coma is hell, it burns like a hot knife.

The ultimate impairment, but it's still life.

Oh. My God. I have no air.

Please Please this isn't fair.

I'm suffocating. You’re killing me.

Please God. This is a travesty.

I know I'm a fraud.

But you're playing God.

Look I'm screaming with all my might.

Everything's black I've lost my sight.

This is the end I know it's near.

I have only one emotion, unbridled fear.

“He's waking up. His vitals are stable.

Let's move him off the operating table.”

“Sam wake up. Take a deep breath.”

I can't I'm too close to death.

“No Sam. You're alive and well.”

But I thought I was at the bottom of a well.

“Not at all. Your leg is repaired.

You were unconscious screaming and scared.”

A recovery dream. It happens from time to time.

I want to tell my daughter a nursery rhyme.

“Sam. I have horrible news. Listen to me.

Your wife's in a coma. Your car hit a tree.”

“But My God How can that be?

"I'm sorry Sam. It was blinding rain. You couldn’t see.”

“You can see her now she's in the room down the hall.

We can wheel you there so you don't fall.”

• • •

A nurse and a young doctor had just walked out of her door.

I had a strange feeling, I had seen them before.

Inside the room was my wife confined to a bed.

Covered with a blanket almost up to her head.

The room filled with sounds from a breathing machine.

I was sickened and stunned by the surreal scene.

Her lids wide open and fixed beautiful dark eyes.

Locked in, she can’t move no matter how hard she tries.

“I understand my love. I have been there before.

We are patients in a hospital on the same floor.”

“I know you can hear me and see straight ahead.

You can't move a muscle not even your head.”

“I had a dream that put me in your place.

The same bed and room, the exact same case.”

“You're in a coma, but you can think.

If I told the doctors, they would send me to a shrink.”

“The medical team believes you have no mind.

They will pull the plug if they are so inclined.”